Leaving Melbourne

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Hello darling,

I’ve been staying in a city recently. The people here are kind, and I am happy. You are about to leave Melbourne. The place you’ve been your whole life. 

There’s much to like about Melbourne, isn’t there? People there, don’t generally leave. It’s one of the most liveable cities in the world for a reason. But you are leaving. You will hold one last dinner party, and almost everyone you love will be there. You will spend the night before sleeplessly writing letters for everyone, folding them into hearts. Some of your friends will cry, but as the host, you know you cannot. But you will, anyway.

You will also clean out your apartment. The same place you’ve lived for a few years now. Your housemate has already left. You will donate almost everything you own. You will find someone to adopt your pet pigeon. You will take off all the posters, remove all the art from your walls. You will give away the dog-eared books and your treasured piano. You will sell your stupidly pink computer setup. You will thank your landlord and pay the cleaning fee. 

Do you remember the silk lilac dress you wore just once, to prom? The really nice gouache paints you could never bear to use? The candles you never gave yourself an excuse to burn?

I wonder if you might’ve let yourself use these some more if you knew they weren’t yours to keep.

But you’ve never really been so kind to yourself, have you? 

And you don’t want to admit it, but others have never really been so kind to you either, have they?

But you are stubborn, and you only want to see the good in people. And even now, this is true. 

Why are you this way? Why do you offer your energy? Over and over again? 

You see where that has gotten you. You are leaving your city. You are leaving your friends. And who are you, without these to define yourself?

But, it is no matter. That is just how you are. I’ve accepted it. 

We live in a new place now. We tried somewhere else first, but it didn’t really work out. And perhaps it is your fault, and perhaps it is not. But we found somewhere else. 

You aren’t so good at the language, but you try. You don’t talk as much as you used to, but maybe there isn’t so much to say anymore. You’ve found new reasons to smile, and new sights to see. The coffee here isn’t so good, but it’s also not so bad. Your friends here are kind, and they’ve convinced you to thaw a little. 

You don’t really speak of yourself. Hazel, who are you? But your friends know you are from Melbourne, and they know not to question why you left. But they do ask if you’ll stay, and you say that you’d like to. But maybe you never meet their eyes when you say this, and maybe they notice. 

Sometimes you wonder if they see the scars on your soul, and the knots in your head. And you worry for the day you are no longer able to contain yourself. And you hold everyone a comfortable distance away, just in case you need to leave again. But you are the reason anyone thinks we’ll leave, and perhaps we’ll decide soon. 

But you’ve grown out your hair now. And you have a new job. And you have a few new tattoos, a few new clothes. New memories, and new things to remember. 

You perform at the local comedy club. You stuck your paintings up at the local coffee store. The regulars at the local climbing gym know your face. You are coming together, piece by piece.

There are days when it’s still hard. You still get pretty bad thoughts. You still crave pain to stave off the numbness. You don’t quite belong. You’ll never quite belong. But despite it all, know that you will be happy. One day, we will get there. And these days, you have much more hope than you used to.

But it is tough sometimes. We haven’t quite forgiven ourself for leaving, even if you know our friends don’t hold it against us. But it has been two years now, and maybe it’s okay to start letting things go. 

What’s the saying again?

Out with the old, in with the new. 

But you can still treasure what you had, whilst enjoying what you have. Just because it left, doesn’t mean it’s gone. And just because it’s here, doesn’t mean it’ll stay. So Hazel, let yourself live a little. Be in the moment a little. You’re going to be okay, and you’ll be here before you know it.

I’ll see you soon.

Yours truly,